MAN OF STEEL
Imagine more unnecessary CGI than you’ve ever seen exploding at you scene after scene as characters you don’t know scream and fly and punch stuff as epic music blows your eardrums out to let you know you’re watching the climax of something that never got built up again and again and again and again and again. Sound fun? If so, consider eating a bullet before purchasing a ticket to this crap to help fund more exclusive coke parties thrown by Hollywood demons who pump this garbage onto movie screens and then buy big houses with your money. Forget whether or not you’re a Superman fan or a comic book fan or even just a movie fan, if you’re a fan of life then it’s just an unpleasant experience to look at something for two hours and twenty-three minutes that simply sucks. Damn me for not walking out on this movie. Damn me.
This thing starts on the planet Krypton, where Jor-El (Russell Crowe) watches a baby come out of his hey-aren’t-you-kind-of-old-to-be-pregnant wife then flies around on an Avatar dinosaur while everything explodes as Krypton starts to implode and the evil General Zod (Michael Shannon) screams lines that sound cool in previews and fall flat in a movie. Everything implodes then explodes, then we flash to Earth years down the line, where everything’s exploding. The guy we’ll come to know as Superman (Henry Cavill, who would’ve been well cast if only there were some character in this shallow pool of diarrhea for him to portray) shows off his awesome pecs as he saves some oil workers, then we flash back to when he saved kids from a sinking school bus as a child, then we flash to some more explosions I think. Everything explodes, then there’s a tornado and people scream and there’s really loud music with lots of drums and Gladiator-esque chanting, then Henry gets a suit and a cape. Everything explodes.
Amy Adams shows up and says some lines that all sound like, “I’m too old to be Henry Cavill’s Lois Lane, but a love story would mean a subplot and there’s no real plot to begin with here.” More stuff explodes. People with super-powers get ready to kill people before they’re whammo’d by ol’ faster-than-a-speeding-bullet Superman over and over until watching super-people raise their fist before being whammo’d by a flying guy becomes more boring than watching an insurance seminar. A bunch of CGI metal tentacles from some spaceship try to tangle Superman, then more CGI stuff happens, then some crappy dialogue gets sprinkled somewhere to remind us that this is a human tale and something we can all relate to. Everything explodes. Between explosions and falling buildings (enough to where you’re kinda left wondering if everyone in this entire city is dead or if they all just outran the multiple falling buildings while we were watching Laurence Fishburne save some chick we don’t know), super-people punch each other for what seems like days of Keanu-and-Agent-Smith Style fighting. You know, the thing where a super-person punches another super-person and the one who got punched flies back and destroys a whole CGI city block then gets up and punches the other guy so he can do the same. Everything explodes. Some famous people say lines like “look out!”
Even the sometimes nice cinematography is unforgivable, as it made for a cool preview that tricked us into thinking this would be good. If there were ever an example of how special effects can’t keep terrible storytelling from being painfully boring, it’s Man of Steel.
RATING: PRISON RAPE (O stars – avoid this thing like the plague)